I decided to break down the first year of college by month to reflect on everything I've been through.

August:
Orientation. I remember I met two of my roommates within my first five minutes of being there. It was hectic and awkward as I tried to figure out where I was going, but I wandered to Fennell, I think we were 5th floor. I met Connie in an elevator going up and on the way down we met up and met Linh. We wandered to MassArt and HOLY SHIT LOTS OF PEOPLE. All the Orientation Leaders had signs and were yelling thing at us. We were sort of amazed to find we were all in the same group- Oceans 21, but it made sense- we were on the same floor, which didn't click until later for us. Anyways, we had to do group activities about leadership and listen to people talk and went outside for bonding games. I don't think I remember anyone who was in my group really... But anyways, after that we had to create a dance to the "Cardinal" shuffle, our 'school song'. And we had to dance on stage. It was humiliating. Then they gave us time to run around before the bbq for all the students and then more free time. We had to be up wicked early for school id photos so we met up with my parents who were staying in a hotel down the street and bought food for the next morning while we were out exploring. I think we met up with Connie's friend at this point, and I think her name was Kelsey. Oh, and I finally met my roommate amidst the running around hectic-ness she was really nice, and much taller than me, so we clicked- her mutant tallness and my Asian tinyness. Anyways we had to play another game after dinner and somehow I got talked into getting up and singing spice girls in front of some 300 people. I kicked myself afterwards, especially because I lost to someone who sang some rap song or something- that's so not singing. After that we went to walk around more and then went to bed. My roommate for that night had other friends so she slept with them and I had a room alone, which was nice.
The next day we sat in Connie and Linh's room for breakfast and got shitty photos of ourself taken. Then we had more meetings to listen to and we had to take an english proficiency exam. I suck at english, but I passed because I wasn't in remedial english classes. After that we could go, but a lot of us waited around to say goodbyes to our friends. i met some people I'd found on facebook which was nice, and then it was back to Maine.

At the end of August was move-in day. Again, very hectic getting checked in and bringing up cats and carts of stuff. My keyboard, guitar, and life was packed up in all my boxes... We had a floor meeting and lots of exploring in Boston with a small group on our floor. We got clique-y really fast. Which was both good and bad as you'll see

September:
I think this was when our trip was, or it was happening while it was becoming September. We took a ferry to this little island that's part of Outward Bound. It was two days and lots of stuff so I'll just summarize it. Lots of games and team building and getting to know you stuff. This is where me and my roommate really bonded with Maureen, Andrea, and Beth. I got the nickname of 'the ten year old on crack' because I was weird and have odd fits of laughter that would last for an hour. I sort of got off to a bad srtart with my RA, long story that is too stupid to get into, but I think it hurt him, even though we were all just joking. But I sort of think from that moment that's when I started to stick out as the sore thumb on the floor.

Classes finally started but we were never too busy for a trip to the mall a 40 minute T-ride away, or to spend hours decorating the halls. The only class I really hated was my math class because I had this crazy guy who did bad impersonations and jokes. He obviously had some real mental problems, so I let it slide, but it was still painful, especially at 9 in the morning. I loved Demasi as my bio teacher, and Garafalo was dece for chemistry. Prof. K for English was alright, he gave us pretty loose rein in class and we could talk for the whole hour about whatever, as long as it was slightly related to the topic. Psych was one of my favorite classes, my teacher was great. Overall school started with potential.

I joined a dating site and pretty quick found a few people who I just as quickly got rid of, except for one. He was leaving for Scotland days after we met, which really sucked, but we promised to stay good friends through it all, and we did.

October:
This is where it really gets fun. My friend Andrea got me into going to concerts- big mistake. I became good friends with a few bands that played, and you'll see that I go see them constantly. I think I saw one band, Lannen Fall, four times in October alone. I made a new friend, Swarz, who became a concert buddy. I also made my first trip home in a month, which was nice. I also fell asleep and missed a bio exam, which caused me to lose complete control. After that my parents made me go see the school counselors and before I knew it, I was on all sorts of suicide watches from them with weekly check ups and them trying to get me on meds and to go see a professional. Eventually I shook it off except for when I really needed someone to talk to. A few days before Halloween I went to my first party ever- at an MIT frat house. I didn't drink so overall it was uneventful and boring. I got rejected everywhere, what a great feeling... The day before halloween the faculty and nearby neighborhoods brought their kids to trick or treat in our dorms. I dressed up as a lawyer, yeah... Halloween I went to a Lannen Fall show, it was good, I got to hang out with my friend Amy, who I met at the first show in the beginning of October, she got me into doing live music photography. My parents wigged out though when they found out I was going to Lowell and then getting a ride with Amy to Tewksbury by myself and sent my brother after me... which sort of sucked, but I got to see my friends so it worked out.

November:
Uneventful. Same old, same old- school, people, though everyone on the floor started to drift apart. I sank back into my world of computer and sort of lost all my contacts with people around me, who would go out without me, or come into my room to talk to my roommate and ignore me. Thanksgiving break was nice, I finally got to see all of my friends back at home. We made videos and did photoshoots and it was overall just great. I didn't realize how much I missed them with school keeping me busy.

I became a hard core fan of Kaizers Ochestra around this time, which I'd been a fan of for a while, but never obsessive, so that took time and energy, and money, to import CDs and DVDs, but it was worth it...

December:
This month sucked. I got seriously depressed and made some bad, illegal, choices and got caught with some stuff that shouldn't have been in my room, especially on the wellness floor (though it was no secret three or four of the rooms had booze hidden in the ceiling panels and people were up all night puking in the bathrooms). What I had I'd done once before at the end of November with some friends in a band, which was just a stupid desperate move which I never should have done to try and fit in. In the end, it involved an official school hearing and probation saying that I could lose my housing if I disobeyed conduct again. I had to do community service too, which wasn't too bad. What sucked is it happened right before finals so I was distracted. The only nice thing that happened was that a couple on my floor invited me to an end of term/holiday party, where I made some friends and people tried to treat me normally. It was awkward, but we got by, and a few people even told me they wouldn't judge me for what happened, which helped considerably. My parents took it well, my whole family did and they were forgiving, but I really hated my school and was scared to go back in a month...

Break was great, I worked a bit and got to see friends and go boarding, but it was all way to short by the time I returned in January.

January:
A new semester, and new beginnings. Before going back to school, I wrote an e-mail to my roommate apologizing for an embarassment or failure to meet her expectations i had, and when we returned to school, we got along okay, probably even better than before. I mean, I was still ignored and not invited places, but it was okay, one step at a time... I had mainly the same teachers, but American culture instead of Psych, and it was seriously the most boring class ever... I never even cracked a book in that class, but I always managed to pass :)

My friend who went to Scotland returned, but too much had happened and while we stay in touch online, it was something that just wouldn't last. I became friends with a guy in my math class who began to tutor me in exchange for lunch since I had mealpoints I would never ever use. I don't think he ever really got I liked him, but then I dont' think we ever would have really worked.

February/March:

To be honest, nothing really happened. I started coming home a lot more often. Kept to myself at school, and got by in classes. I became good friends with Zoe and she bought the horse that I now lease. Andrea and I went to a show in Allston at the ICC and met this guy in a bathroom who had a band. I couldn't go to one of their shows because I was doing photos for another band I'd met earlier, but I did get to see them eventually.

April:
Again, pretty boring. Like I said in an earlier post, my birthday happened, but I didn't do anything really, no one remember, so it was all quiet and boring. Lots of studying for finals, and lots of going home to see RiRa, and a few oncerts- Brunswick, The Blue Pages, etc..

May:

Finals finally ended and I got to go home. Did a few concerts already. I've been home a few weeks and nothing's really happened. Life is slow and I miss having things to do in boston but I don't miss school. I guess this sort of wraps up my freshman year..

Three weeks have been pretty hectic. Got through finals alright and I passed with a B average this semester. Would have liked it if it was better, but hey, if I don't wanna study, then a B average is just fine.

My lease has officially started on RiRa, but I see her less now than I did before it started, go figure. She's awkward and clumsy and I know I'm gonna get thrown and die to I panic and then she spooks and we trot around the ring a billion tims before I get her under control. She's a sweetheart still though and she's fun, so we just need some work before she's good to go.

I've been on vacation a week and a half now, and all I do is sit on my computer watching movies. I worked at the pharmacy for the first time since winter break, and it wasn't too bad. I wasn't supposed to work, I got called in early because someone was out and I said they could call me as a filler if they needed me. I'm hoping they won't today though

Gym memberships suck. I really hate the gym, hate it with a serious passion. But I seriously need to get in shape, and the bag of Reeses Pieces I have doesn't help- those things are addicting as fuck, and I love them. I feel stupid going to the gym because there's always people I know there and it's awkward because I was shunned/shunned most of the school.

My parents are annoying mne. I go to concerts and do lots of photography for bands and they're giving me curfews if I go without a friend. TBQH, I normally go alone and meet up with friends and they're fine with it, but because I didn't have a plan last time they freaked. But it's alright, because I got to see the bands I'm friends with and all of them put up some pictures of mine.

I got to see David Copperfield on Friday. It was really cool- he's definitely one of my biggest idols. At my age he was having his own TV specials... We were in the Dress Circle at the Opera house in Boston, but it was better than being way up in the balcony. I wanted to go on stage and participate but the balcony never gets to :( He appeared on his motocycle in a big white box, and penetrated a steel plate, did the flying rose, air coppers, the dancing ties, slo-mo duck, the scorpion card trick, the lottory and 13. Overall it was really cool and definitely worth the 500 bucks for seats

Not much else to say, I think those are my rants for the last three weeks pretty much

So last thursday was my birthday. I did pretty much nothing. Went to dinner in the North End with my brother and his girlfriend and then went home on Friday night and celebrated at home on Saturday. Birthday's really don't mean much to me anymore, I guess. I'm kinda pissed. On my floor we have a list of people with bdays each month, and they always get a poster or a sign on their door just acknowledging it, but did I get one? Nope, of course not. But whatever, I'm over it

I rode my friend's horse who I'm leasing for the first time last weekend. Her name is RiRa, which is Gaelic for "fake pub" or something like that. She's a little skitzo, but it's okay, she's a sweetie anyway. I think we're bonding, atleast...

Because I soo give up on homework today. Expo's in 20 minutes and then Chem lab... yay... til 8... well, 7: 30 but still, it sucks.

People just piss me off.
I can sit in Massart and find a reason to hate almost everyone around me. It's more out of jealousy though than actual hate. I'm stuck being drab boring Asian me, and everyone else is talker and caucasian which means they can do more than me because there's no generall look for caucasians. Instead asians are either tall and thin with long hair, or short and fat. Plus I feel like there's the other stereotype that Asians are always number 1, and excel in math and science, which in my school, sadly, is true, seeing as our Asian population is huge. My parents were never strict and forced me to do things, which I applaud them for. It let me and my siblings set our own rules and boundaries, but at the same time it also crippled us. I never got the rebellion and anger I can remember all my friends going through. Instead I was content to do homework and read Lord of the Rings until I had most of the books and movies memorized.

Now I want to rebel. I want to get weird piercings and do semi-illegal things and do everything I never got to do, but I can't because my college career is strict-ish (yet it doesn't stop the other 2499 students from going out and partying and drinking). Plus because I never went out, I have no idea how to act in social settings. I'm so amazingly awkward, even online. Unless it's good friends or people I know will respond, I'm almost afraid to IM of talk to people. It's probably why I spend most of my day alone in my room pretending to do homework, reading webcomics and watching stupid videos on youtube.

I think I drew a semi-decent chibi drawing of Jan and Geir. It was during math so yeah, I failed the quiz probably, but I was giggling with the cuteness. It's seriously terrlble, just when I need to be studying I decide art is my new calling?

Home for the weekend in maine, which is ehh. Get to go see my girl RiRa, who I'm leasing from my friend and Ride Arrow, this awesome horse that I'm sure is gonna kill me... ATleast I get to break in my brand new helmet and boots, which is exciting

My dad bought a Prius. A blue one. As Jeff Dunham would say, "a blue prius... Sparkly! Yeah it's realy preddy..." It's kind an amazing car though...

I'm off so I don't fall off and die and get trampled by a horse
I'm sure I'll take pics of my terrible posture... ugh

Dear Livejournal
Please go back to how you were two years ago
When you could actually customize your journal layouts

Sincerely,
Pissed off user

I do love how my background has Gegg alone on the right hand side...

I was sitting alone, going through myspace instead of doing homework and I realized something. I miss high school. Sure it was 4 years of unbearable torture and lonliness, save Andrew and Amanda, and I did absolutely nothing- even more nothing than now, I mean, now I atleast have lunch plans every day and concerts and shit to go to - but that's what I miss. I miss the excuse to actually be angry and upset all the time. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to embrace the fact that in 5 years (oh god, five more years of this...) I'm going to be a working and mature(-ish) member of society.

I like being sort of awkward and different. And as much as I make fun of people, I want to be one of those generic high school kids everyone seems to be these days- a billian facial piercings, dyed hair and a wardrobe from hot topic. I want to stand out for being the same as everyone else. It's weird to go to a concert and to be the only one not dressed like a whore. I went to THROWED on tuesday and I realized I have no slutty clothing. No ghastly mix of clashing clothes to make oneself cringe. And that made me depressed. I'm not normal. I've spent almost 8 years of my life on the computer. All my interactions are fantasy based, how I would act, not how I do. I live in my storybook world where I can control the environment.

I think a lot of it relates back to my bike accident. I think I was happy before that. I played sports, I had a life, I loved to participate in things. But my accident and a year on crutches and then another 6 months a year later after sort of prevented me from doing what I loved. Instead I became libary leader president and spent every waking moment in the library. I got lost in Lord of the Rings and Star Wars because they could have adventures I didn't. I think that's when I gave up on myself.

And a lot of this stems from my adoption issues. I spoke at a conferance and I never realized until they started asking questions how much I don't fit in. Well, I'm sure I sort of realized it, I can remember incidents in Kindergarten when kids made fun of me. Even last summer while working at camp kids made my of my eye shape. Kids, like, 8 year olds. Making fun of me. I've become more award in my status as an Asian American. The certain stereotypes and expectations. And I don't really fit into either of them. My school is diverse and has huge numbers of Asians, and I dont' fit in with them, because I'm not asian enough. I dont' have asian parents, and I don't speak chinese, and I don't eat with chopsticks, and I'm not skinny and perfect with long hair. I'm short, dumpy and can barely pronunce words. My speech therapist when I was 6 said I had all the sounds. I was just too lazy to speak them. And I try, I try to be normal, but I can't because I'm not Asian enough for the Asian kids, and not white enough for the caucasians. I'm trapped in the void between them, stuck on the fence and trying to find a way, anyway to get down.

I think that's why I miss high school. Because you know everyone else is awkward and unsure of themselves. And I think if I was at a liberal arts college what I'm feeling wouldn't be this intense, because it's liberal arts and everyone there is find themselves too. But at a professional, private college, they expect you to be able to buckle down (even though everyone is partying) and study and get your shit together. And it's just too much and they don't give you enough credit with so much empasis on grades and keeping up a professional appearance.

I'm going to stop before I break down again.

On a lighter note
Kaizers Orchestra is just too fucking amazing for words

Ever have one of those days where you wake up and you just know your day is going to suck?
I couldn't sleep last night (it was probably the nap I took yesterday afternoon), and then my roommate wakes up a fucking 5 in the morning because the Red Sox are starting their season... in Japan, so of course she had to watch it, so up we are at 5 and of course I can't fall back asleep, so I couldn't sleep and then when I did I woke up ridiculously early

And now I have american culture where sucks serious ass- most pointless class, ever. And then I havea test on thursday, so I have to study, but I also have an outline due thursday for expo over some of the lamest topics ever. And tomorrow I have a bio test that I need to study for but I can't because I have lab all night.

And I'm so sick of the schools' fucking stupid rules
And the people
And so much shit I can't even believe it

Fucking culture...

Spring break went by wayyy too fast. And I still haven't *really* studied for my chem exam... I need atleast an 80 to get my grade average up to passing, which wouldn't be too hard... if I actually could be assed to study. Instead I spend all my time doing my little role-playing games, which is fucking stupid because my characters always get jerked around and dumped and all sorts of shit. I think that's why my mental state is so fucked up all the time, because my charaters mean way too much to me.

I am happy with friends I've made through my games. I recently found out one of the girls I play with thinks I'm cute, and I've always liked her, so it's fun, we've been trying to get to know each other better recently. She's been such a big help in my coming-out and self-adjustment process, I don't know what I would have done without her.

I think my obsession with Damian Kulash has gone a bit overboard. In honesty,he's probably one of like, 4 men I'm attracted to, other than that i have no emotional feelings. Love is completely bullshit. But ugh, I need to go and start putting myself out there, but I'm really more interested in girls at the moment, but who knows...

I'm trying to find a kick ass song for Gay Pride '08, I want to enter the Drag King contest- there were no contestants last year, so I might as well try for this year. I'm thinking "Gay Bar" by electric six would be pretty sick. It takes so much work an preparation though, and I really don't know if I want to cut all my hair off yet, I've always wanted to, but if i go through with it, that's another thing.

Should probably get to studying *sigh*
And failing again